


Buried a Lie

by cassietheteenagewitch



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 10:30:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16742320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassietheteenagewitch/pseuds/cassietheteenagewitch





	1. 3/6

“-een Sayori the last couple days?”

I look up from my desk, dazed… must have spaced out again. The rest of the classroom is empty, and Monika is poking her head through the open doorway. “Wha-?” I manage to stammer. If she didn’t know me better by now, I’d be concerned Monika might think I was as airheaded as- “Sayori?”

“Yeah, have you seen her lately? I thought maybe she had caught a cold or something, but it’s not like her to go so long without even saying she’s okay…” The club president looks me dead in the eyes as she says this, her expression a familiar mix of worry and determination that only seems to show up when something important is happening, or about to. It makes my heart skip a little, and I look away, hopefully before my cheeks flush.

“I… no, I haven’t. Not since Friday.” And today is Tuesday. Monika’s right, it  _ isn’t _ like Sayori to miss more than a day or two of school at a time. Even then, I usually go check on her, or one of the other girls will if I can’t. It’s been a few months since she first opened up to the club about her struggle with depression, and although there have been a few bad days since, she seems to have been doing better since she started seeing a therapist.

“MC-kun…?” My heart had almost gotten back to its normal rhythm, and I can feel it start to beat a little faster. At the same time, it feels like something in my stomach is trying to burn its way out. I take a deep breath and try to collect myself (Natsuki would be upset if she thought I couldn’t keep down the cookies she made for the club today…), still unable to meet Monika’s gaze- she gets a little intense when things get serious.

I slowly get up from the desk, and it helps a little with the sudden sickness. I can’t shake the feeling that something terrible has happened, or will soon. “MC-kun, are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine, Monika. Sorry, it’s… I hadn’t really even thought about Sayori since before the weekend. Feeling a little guilty now.” Not completely untrue, that. I don’t want her worrying about me too, though, so I take another deep breath and hold it for a few seconds before letting go, trying to push the sick feeling away until I can leave the room. “I’ll go check on her. It’ll mean missing the club meeting today, but I think-”

“It’s more important.” Monika nods as she completes my sentence, stepping fully into the room for the first time. “I was thinking maybe we could all go, maybe pick up some snacks on the way, to cheer her up. But if she’s…” Suddenly our roles reverse, and she looks away from me, like she’s trying to make sure she words what she’s thinking exactly right. It’s a feeling I know all too well when it comes to Sayori, unfortunately. “Not okay… it might be best if you just go alone. You’re… tell her we’re all wor- thinking of her, okay?

“Sure. Tell Natsuki and Yuri I’m sorry I can’t be here today?”

“Of course. I’m sure they’ll understand, anyways.” Monika retreats back into the hallway, letting me pass. As I go by, she gently squeezes my shoulder; when I look up, she smiles, her way of trying to reassure me, I guess. “I hope you don’t need it, but… good luck, MC-kun.”

Good… luck? What the hell is that supposed to mean? My mind races in several directions- this wouldn’t be the first time Monika knew something I didn’t, and chose not to share it because of reasons know only to her. As if she can read my thoughts (or more likely, because I must have made a face) she adds- “… okay, sorry, that might have been a weird turn of phrase, ahaha. It’s just… not the easiest job, you know? Being her confidant. I’m sure there are secrets only you know.”

“Yeah…” No, it’s not. It’s not easy, at all. There’s an obvious reason I’m the one who does the majority of our random “checks” on Sayori, not that I could ever get any of the other three club members to come out and say it. “Well, I guess I’ll text you if I find anything out.”

“Okay!” Monika flashes a smile again, although there seems to be something… almost sad behind it. It’s an expression I’m more used to seeing from Sayori, and for the third time in ten minutes, a chill crawls through my veins as my pulse starts to quicken. “See you tomorrow, MC-kun. Hope it goes well.”

“I, uh… yeah, me too. See you tomorrow, Monika.”

Jeez, that was kind of ominous… 


	2. 3/6

I stand outside Sayori’s front door a little longer than I should; I got half-soaked on the way home from school, the cheap umbrella I took with me having done little to keep the rain off me. It had been cloudy on and off all day, yeah, but the only rain had been light and brief, around ten… I definitely hadn’t been prepared for  _ this _ . It’s not even rainy season! I was hesitant to show up unannounced, dripping wet, but… I don’t think I should put this off, for any reason.

What’s kept me lingering on her front porch, then? I have a key to her house, and it’s not like anyone but Sayori is going to be home this time of day. Even if her parents were home, I used to come over so frequently when we were younger that they would often just leave the door unlocked- that was why I had the key now.

Why am I so nervous?

 

That question is answered almost as soon as I unlock the door and push it open. A wave of dread seems to come from inside the house, washing over me with so much force it nearly brings me to my knees. My legs are heavy as I enter the house and close the door behind me before crumpling against it. The closest thing I could compare what just happened to is walking outside on a hot day- just a rush of uncomfortableness, a splash of panic from outside my control. I run a hand through my hair, shake the water off it onto the mat beneath by my feet as if I might literally shake away the feeling, but unsurprisingly, nothing happens. I’m a little less quick to step out of my shoes, and it feels like I’m walking through molasses as I force myself away from the front door and onto the stairs that lead up to Sayori’s room.

Standing on the landing, my hand on the doorknob, I’m hit with a second wave of that unplaceable, ominous feeling, and I jerk away like the knob was suddenly blazing-hot. “… Sayori?” I can barely hear myself over the pounding of my own heart in my ears. Deep breath, let it go. Count. I repeat it, until I count up to ten. “Sayori?” My voice is still weak, like I haven’t spoken in days, but at least her name comes out somewhat louder this time.

But she doesn’t answer this second time, either, and I reach for the knob again. As I slowly open the door, I can’t stop my imagination from running wild, conjuring up all manner of terrible visions that I’m sure I’ll see again in a nightmare tonight, and maybe on repeat for some indeterminable amount of time to come. Both thankfully, and somewhat disappointingly in a different sense, all I find inside is an empty room. The bed is (almost) neatly made, and the pile of clothes -can’t tell if they’re clean or dirty… Sayori’s such a mess sometimes- has been relegated to one corner of the room instead of the majority of the floor. This is the first time I’ve been up here in close to a month now, and in a weird way, it’s almost reassuring- like she really  _ has _ been getting better since she started therapy. Used to be the only time her room was ever this clean was when I came over and ended up cleaning it myself.

 

My heart sinks again, however, as I notice a piece of paper in the middle of the floor, folded in half. It’s at an odd angle, as if my opening the door created a wind vortex that pulled it from somewhere else in the room. The feeling from earlier at school, that sense of something-terrible-to-come, comes back for Round Two, compounding the adrenaline-spiking fear I still hadn’t fully recovered from as I take the couple steps into the room and pick the note up from the floor. Before I’ve even straightened back up, my hands are shaking so badly that I can barely hold the piece of paper, let alone get it unfolded and hold it steady enough to read. I try to will them to cooperate, to force them to be still, but I can’t, and I end up half-sitting, half-falling onto Sayori’s bed; only then, my hands shaking in my lap, the note spread across my legs, am I able to read it.

 

_ MC-kun, _

 

_ I know you’ll be the one who reads this. Even if the girls notice, they’ll send you, if you don’t come on your own. It’s always you. _

_ I’m really sorry. I don’t still don’t know how to deal with these feelings, and I can’t keep putting it off on you guys. You all deserve to be happy, and I don’t see how that can happen if I’m always there, bringing everyone down. I’m sorry. _

_ It’s better this way, okay? I promise, it is. I can’t hurt you, and nothing can hurt me. _

_ Maybe we’ll meet again, one day. _

 

_ -S _

 

Minutes pass after I finish reading the note. I read it again, and again. I find myself just staring down at it after the third time, unable to make out the words clearly, and bringing it closer to my face doesn’t help, due in no small part to the shakes that have spread down my arms and into my chest.

This is… this is a suicide note…

“ _ Fuck! _ ” It starts small, somewhere between frustration and shock, and at first, I don’t realize it’s not just in my head (like I meant it to be). But the word gets louder, and louder, and when I realize I’ve clenched my eyes shut so hard it hurts, the note on my lap is crumpled in one hand and my knuckles are white. My face is burning, the sudden embarrassment of realizing I’ve been screaming obscenities loud enough for anyone passing by on the street outside ot hear, or from the contents of the note itself… I don’t… I don’t know...

Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m out of Sayori’s room (thinking about it later, I remember stopping several stairs down and charging back up to shut the door to her room, as if protecting her non-existent privacy) and taking the stairs two and three at a time, hurtling, off-balance, barely stopping to step into my shoes. I slam the front door behind me and nearly fall down the three steps down to the path leading to the sidewalk (again doubling back, to lock the door- I am not an animal). I jump the steps the second time, the sting in my side and the burning in my right knee from clumsily landing more motivation than hindrance.

The rain is cold as I run all the way back to school; I left my umbrella on Sayori’s porch, but I can’t be bothered with that now. Not that it would do me all that much good running as fast as I could, anyways… didn’t do much good when I was walking home earlier, for that matter. Like the pains in my side and my leg, the bite of the rain makes me run a little faster… maybe it’s a good thing.

 

The halls are even emptier than when I left as I burst through the front doors.  _ Not used to running like this, _ I think as I skid around a corner on shoes that splatter little puddles out with each step, they’re so waterlogged from charging through puddles and gutters to shave seconds. By the time I reach the classroom we use for Literature Club meetings, I’m far beyond the point of winded, and it must look like I swam here, water dripping off my uniform. My chest is on fire -fuck,  _ everything _ is on fire- and every time I breath it feels like I’ll never get enough air in my lungs. I take a minute, then two, to catch my breath and compose myself before opening the door to the classroom, but two is all I can spare.

All of the girls are surprised to see me. Both Monika and Yuri jump a little, then stand up as I take an unsteady step into the room. The two of them freeze when they get a better look at me, and after a few seconds, Yuri sits down, followed by Monika. “Are you okay, MC-kun?” Yuri unintentionally repeats the question Monika asked me repeatedly the last time we spoke, and it’s not much easier to answer this time.

So… I don’t. Instead, I walk over to the cluster of desks they’ve pulled together and pull Sayori’s note out of my pocket, flopping it down on the closest one- which happens to be where Natsuki is sitting. I didn’t realize it until now, but at some point, I regained enough sense to somewhat fold the note back up and put it in my pocket, where it stayed mostly dry.

The smallest of the three girls slowly unfolds the crumpled, poorly refolded note, looking from it to me several times, a curious look on her face. Her expression quickly gives way to something else as she begins to read- horror? Panic? Natsuki’s eyes go wide, and she immediately stretches out of her seat to hand the note to Monika. No words are passed alongside it, and none come after as Monika puts the note on Yuri’s desk- blindly pawing at it, eyes locked on the empty desk where it had just been, like she’s not actually seeing anything.

Yuri is the first to speak, surprisingly. “Was she…” Her tone is calm, but there’s something off in her voice. She’s clearly nervous, but the stammering hasn’t started. “Did you find…”

“N-no…” I taste bile, but I’m not sure if that’s from running on and off several miles back here and not being in shape for it, or the reminder of what that note means. “S-she… she wasn’t there…” One hand unconsciously brushing water out of my hair again, I put the other on top of the desk beside Natsuki, intending to lower myself into the chair attached to it. Midway down I find that I’m nowhere near close enough to manage that, and instead settle for lowering myself to the floor. The panic has gone, adrenaline giving way to burning, aching muscles; my breathing has started to slow, but I’m going to regret that sprint for at least the rest of the week.

Without another word, Monika gets to her feet again, so quickly that she jars the desk and scoots it back across the floor a little. She breezes past the me, past the circle of desks, across the classroom and into the hallway beyond. I share another brief, terrified look with Yuri and Natsuki before I have to look away. Seeing them upset isn’t going to help me get my head together, and if we’re all panicked, no one’s going to be able to calm down.

I don’t know how much time passes before Monika comes back; I’m scared that if I look up, at the clock, I might accidentally catch one of the girls’ eyes again, and if I do, that I might not be able to hold it together any longer. When our leader returns, I notice she’s forced her expression into something neutral; as she helps me up from the floor, though, our eyes meet for a moment before she looks away, and I see a very real fear in hers. Then she forces her mouth into as unexpressionless a line as she can and turns so that she’s facing both me and the other two members of the club. “Okay, I called her therapist, and she hasn’t heard anything from Sayori, so I called both her parents, and they’re just ask clueless. They both said they would report it to the police, though. MC-kun-” She turns her head to look at just me. “You should, too. You found the note they’ll want to talk to you- ah, both the police and her parents, too, I mean. It’ll be easier if you try to cut them off, I think. You won’t have to repe-” She tries to smile, but it’s not convincing. “You won’t have to go through it twice, if it works out.”

She turns back to Natsuki and Yuri, then, but I don’t really hear what she’s saying. I nod, too late, and I’m not sure if I’m agreeing with what Monika said or just going through motions I don’t fully understand. To be honest, I’m not completely sure I even processed what she just said. I heard it, I can kind of remember it, but nothing’s working- I can’t move. Or maybe I am, just in super slow-motion, like how everything else in the world around me seems to be moving. I’m suddenly aware that I’m fighting back the urge to be sick again, and I close my eyes.

I snap out of it as Monika says “okay?” I hear Natsuki and Yuri agree with her. When I don’t, Monika shakes me a little. “MC-kun? Okay? You go to the police station, and we’ll go looking for her? Okay?”

I open my eyes, blinking rapidly as if that’s somehow going to help. Didn’t realize I had zoned out that hard. “Yeah… yeah, okay. God, I’m sorry, it’s…” I can’t finish the sentence, but I don’t think I  _ need _ to. The four of us know what I’m going to say before I say it, or a close enough approximation to it. Looking up from my feet, I notice that Yuri isn’t with us anymore, and about as quickly realize she’s gone across the room and is coming back now. Turning, I see that she’s retrieved an umbrella from the corner near the door. She holds it out to me, the look of determination on her face just like Monika’s- fake-brave, trying. Monika’s speech must have really been something else… kinda almost sad I spaced out and missed it, now.

“Here, MC-kun, you’re already soaked. Monika’s is big enough for us to share.”

“Yeah, and she can share mine too, if we need to.” It’s the first time Natsuki’s spoken since I arrived. Out of everyone, she seems the most rattled by the note. “You can’t help look for Sayori if you’re sick, dummy.”

I nod again, taking a deep breath, as well as Yuri’s umbrella. “Thank you,” is all I can manage right now. I try to smile, at Natsuki first, then the others, but I don’t think it’s very convincing.  _ I’m _ not convinced.

With another nod, I lean the umbrella against my shoulder and hurry out of the classroom. My shoes have dried a little, but every other step still squeaks, echoing through the empty halls.

Outside, the rain hasn’t let up. I open Yuri’s umbrella, still leaning against my shoulder. Natsuki’s right… catching a cold won’t help us find Sayori. And I’m not in the right kind of shape to run ten miles to the police station. I settle for a brisk walk, cold rain still hitting my legs in sheets.

Something in me hopes we find her before the police have to get involved. I can’t explain it, just a half-thought, a feeling, that if we don’t find her today, that feeling of something-terrible-to-come might have been premature.


	3. 3/6

It’s been… eight hours since I found the note. Six and half since I got to the police station. Five since I got home.

I lie on my bed and try not to cry; I’m moderately successful. I want to scream and swear and punch something, a worse freakout than when I found Sayori’s note this afternoon, but my parents are already concerned about both myself and my best friend, I don’t want to worry them -or Sayori’s parents- any more than they already are. It’s a lot easier, too, to quietly cry while staring up at the ceiling, alone, in the dark.

The rain lightened up for a while as I walked to the police station, but it’s been coming down pretty hard since it started to get dark outside. The wind’s picked up too, howling on and off and driving the rain down in sheets. I turn over, away from the window, the little wet bullets colliding against it, and realize it’s only eleven. Doesn’t really matter what time it is, to be fair… it was all but decided for me that I wouldn’t be at school tomorrow, if not from the time I found the note, then when I got to the police station and had to answer a thousand questions. The officers couldn’t have been any nicer about it, sure, but… having to answer questions about my best friends mental health and habits made an already shitty day even worse.

For the thousandth time tonight, I become aware of the phone buzzing somewhere near my head. I turned the volume off not too long after I got home earlier, but I left it on vibrate, I knew I  _ had to _ leave it on vibrate, in case something… happened, I guess. I’m not in the mood or any kind of state to communicate with anyone right now; I can barely think, let alone speak coherently. Still, I grope around the blankets, a little heavy-handedly slapping around the covers until I hit the phone. I hold it above my face and press the power button, but I regret that decision instantly as a flood of white light hits me in the eyes with the intensity of a tiny, single-mindedly angry sun. 

I jam my eyes shut and let my hand fall back to the bed, accidentally dropping the phone to the floor in the process. “Dammit…” I’m nearly startled by the sound of my own voice- it’s the first thing I’ve heard other than the wind and the rain for hours, and that stormy-silence had become almost… soothing, in a way. I tap around the floor with one hand, flailing around for the phone and failing, so I stretch and lean a little further over the edge of the bed…

And lose my balance, falling to the floor and  _ very _ narrowly avoid losing an eye to the corner of my nightstand as I do. At least I know where the phone went- beneath me now, it buzzes a single time against my ribcage. Groaning -growling, maybe- I roll over and sit up against the side of the bed, grabbing the phone and thumbing the power button again. A message on the lock screen notifies me of a dozen or so missed calls; another warns me of a number of texts several times that (not that it’s a bad thing, but word seems to have spread quickly, and a number of my friends as well as Sayori’s have sent worried texts). A third, smaller box shows that there are other notifications besides the calls and texts.

I can’t say any of this is surprising. It should make me feel better, that so many people are worried about the two of us, but… I don’t get anything from it.

 

I swipe to one side and draw the symbol I use to unlock my phone, pulling the notification bar down and tapping the text box first. Almost all of them are people asking if I’ve heard anything. A smaller number ask if I’m okay, personally, and a smaller number still ask if there’s anything they can do. Between two of these is the last update from Monika, one in a series that form a wall of text nearly fifty long spread out over the last few hours, the most recent reading “cold. soaked. home. let me know if you hear anything. hear for you <3”. Similar texts from Yuri and Natsuki (Yuri’s is grammatically and orthographically  _ perfect _ , and Natsuki’s refers to me as several increasingly insulting names before ending with “… sorry. Really worked up about this. Lunch tomorrow?” to which I text back “sure” despite knowing I’m not going to school).

The missed call log comes next, but after the first few, I don’t bother scrolling through the rest. If anyone was calling with anything important, the would have left a message or sent a text after, I reason.

Voicemail is last, and most the same as the barrage of texts- questions and updates, neither of which I want to hear any more of at this point. I start deleting them at random, leaving some to listen to tomorrow just to have something to do to pass the time. As I go through the list, listening to some completely, deleting others after the first few words, I stop on one at random, intending to hear this one out to the end. The timer on the visual reads “5:03,” but it turns out to be a whole lot of nothing, probably a pocket dial- street noise, rustling clothes. I delete it and continue on deleting others without reason for a while.

As I get rid of the most recent message, though, I can't shake a weird feeling that’s been creeping up on me. It’s not completely unlike the feeling that started when Monika encouraged me to check on Sayori after school, but at the same time isn’t the same nauseating abyss I wandered into when I opened the door to her house, either. It’s hard to tell if it’s better or worse than the crushing, chest-collapsing sadness I’ve been mired in since I got home, though, especially when I can’t even figure out what it is or might be.

I end the voicemail check and my phone goes back to the call long, the last screen I was on prior. A name catches my eye among the sea of numbers and names of people I have no interest in speaking to right now, and everything stops for a second. Seconds. A minute, five, and the screen times out. I keep staring at it anyways, dark and mocking, pleased that the room is too dark to see my reflection staring back at me.

 

In the middle of the ocean of names and numbers, surrounded by people concerned about my, and her wellbeing, a single call. Hours ago, just after dark.

The shakes had gone away, had been gone since I burst into the Literature Club, but now they find their way back as I press the power button, swipe and pattern in. I watch the screen numbly for a little while longer before I can do anything else, like something might happen on its own; when nothing does, I pull my voicemail up again. Thank God for modern technology… I can just scroll through the list of what’s left instead of having to listen to all of them one at a time. I check names and times, trying  _ incredibly _ hard to remember the ones I deleted, thinking, hoping the entire time,  _ no I would  _ **_know_ ** _ if I’d heard that… _

It’s not there. I go back and forth through the list three or four times, but the message I’m trying to find won’t be found, because I deleted it. I know exactly which one it was.

I swear. I howl. The ability to speak leaves me, replaced by a throwback to primeval hate.

I start to pitch the phone across the room, but realize mid-pitch that if i break it, Sayori won’t be able to call me again. I adjust as best I can; my hand hits the floor, and my elbow smashes into the nightstand beside me. For a moment, the pain is incredible, a direct, critical hit directly to the funny bone; my vision is white, alternating black-and-blue with each pulse of blood through my temples. But it passes quickly, completely swallowed up by a burning self-hate that I didn’t know human beings were capable of feeling, lower than piss and just as worthless.  _ She called you and you didn’t answer, you  _ **_fucking_ ** _ idiot! She needed you and  _ **_you weren’t there!_ **

I punch the bed behind me, but it doesn’t help. The second swing doesn’t, either, or the third, or the fourth.

Deep breath. Count to ten. Breath out.

Nothing.

Deep breath. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. Twenty-three. Twenty-four. Twenty-five. Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Thirty.

Thirty-one. Breath out, because my face is hot and my temples are throbbing. My chest is shrieking, threatening to cry or to scream or to vomit or some combination of the three. I punch the floor and swear again instead, trying to choke down whatever this urge is. Another one, smaller, quieter, speaks up from somewhere deep down, half-buried below the churning, searing sea of disgust, wallowing in my own sadness all evening- call one of the girls.

But I can’t, not like this. I’m a mess.

Instead, I look at the time on my phone, and then I  _ do _ throw it, albeit backwards onto the bed, out of reach.

 

Four hours.

Four fucking hours have passed.

Four  _ fucking _ hours have passed since Sayori called me.

Four  **_fucking_ ** hours have passed since Sayori called me and I didn’t answer, acknowledge, or even notice her because I was so busy being upset.

It’s another twenty minutes before I can look at the phone again, and I almost expect to see another call from her, like a taunting ghost. But the only notification on the screen now is from Yuri. Weary and bleary-eyed -must have started crying and not realized it- I unlock the phone and pull up her text. “MC.” No honorific. This is serious. “Are you okay? Monika’s worried about you. Natsuki said you only sent one word back to her. I’m worried too.” Surprisingly loose for Yuri. That she -and Natsuki, and Monika- are this worried about  _ me _ , and not Sayori… 

I type “no,” and for a number of minutes I lose count of, it’s like I don’t know how to write. The screen shuts off, but I turn it back on before the lock kicks in. “no. don’t know how to put it to words. no. not at all.” Send, immediately followed by, “thank you. all of you. just not in a good place to talk right now.”

Thirty seconds pass. “Are you sure? I’m still awake…”

“no,” again. Send. I’m not even sure what that means.

“What… what do you mean? No, you don’t want to talk, or…?”

Reading this, I realize it’s a little past midnight. “I’ll be okay. Ish.” I hope it might help ease her worries if I try and write properly, even if it’s not much, and just like realizing how worried the three of them are about me, a new wave of sick hits me. As neurotic as Yuri is, I  _ know _ writing properly will settle her down, and it feels like I’m doing something to take advantage of her, somehow. “Get some sleep, okay? I’ll tell Monika I’m okay. I’m… not, but I will be, I promise.”

Something about those last two words has an unexpected bite; a few seconds of reading and rereading “sent,” I remember Sayori’s note. It takes me ten minutes before I’m able to look at the phone again, but at least I manage to keep myself from bursting into tears again. It’s a start. “M-kun… not great, but I’ll be okay. Thank you for caring, but it’s late. Please try and get some sleep.”

Yuri is the first to reply. “Okay, MC.” Still no honorific. Out of the three of them, (four, counting Sayori), Yuri is always the most guarded with her emotions, even in text. Something as simple as not using an honorific is uncomfortable for her, and smaller things have nearly brought her to a tearful, stammering mess of apologies over nothing. “If you need ANYTHING, text me. Goodnight.” I don’t say anything back, for fear that she might take it as a reason to stay up any later on my behalf.

Monika’s text comes in an hour later, and actually startles me- I must have dozed off on the floor and not realized it. Not really a surprise, considering what a shitty, exhausting day today has been. “Okay, MC-kun. I’ll come by after school.” No okay, no suggestion to meet somewhere. Just “I’ll be there.” I manage an “okay” back this time, but that’s about all I have left.

The wind continues to howl like the faraway cries of some lost, damned soul lost at sea, and the rain is millions of tiny cannonballs trying to sink that drifting ship. It’s not so soothing anymore… now it’s upset, angry, vengeful. The sound fills my head with a number of unhappy thoughts, and the unhappy thoughts spill over into unhappy dreams, turning them into nightmares that I wake up from gasping and covered in sweat despite sleeping in my boxers on the floor.

The sun is just starting to come up when I finally fall back asleep for good, hidden behind a blanket of dark clouds. The last thing I think before drifting into the abyss is “how appropriate.”


	4. 3/7

I hear the doorbell, but I don’t move from the bed. Without having look at my phone or the clock hanging on the wall across from me, I  _ know _ , it’s only been a few hours since I fell asleep the last time. Hell, it hasn’t been much longer than that since I started drifting in and out of the nightmares. I want no part of whoever is at the door.

I hear the knocking on the door, but I don’t move from the bed.  _ Go away _ , I think, bitterly. I’m not in the mood for your bullshit right now, whoever you are. Just leave it on the step or try again later.

Something taps my window, and while it gets my attention, I don’t move to investigate. Then something else hits the window, and a little more sleep-fog clears- I’m on the second floor. Some _ one _ is throwing some _ thing _ at my window. I blink, eyes already stinging; the sun isn’t helping. Tap. Tap. Tap. Buzz.

Buzz?

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Like an angry hornet trapped between a glass and a coaster.

Oh! Buzz. My phone! Buzz. I reach for it and swipe to answer on what would likely to have been the last ring. Before I can say so much as hello, an angry, high voice berates me- “you  _ ass! _ I made lunch and walked all the way over here from school and you won’t even let me in! What the f-” I end the call before it can get worse. Really didn’t expect Natsuki to plan for me not coming to school today. A heavy pang of guilt surfaces at the bottom of my stomach- I would have just stood her up if she hadn’t done this, and what if she hadn’t had the money…

 

Moving with a speed that surprises myself, I manage to get a pair of gym shorts on as I hope across the room, and make it down the stairs with a shirt over my head without falling to my death. Not knowing where Natsuki might be at the moment -she  _ was _ just throwing rocks or something at my window a few seconds ago- I cut through the kitchen and out the sliding glass door to our tiny backyard. The grass is soaked and the ground is muddy, and it’s still drizzling, and there’s no sign of my pink-haired friend, so I reluctantly slip on a pair of old, wet geta and splash across the yard.

It takes me all the way back around the house to find her, glowering on the porch, a white and pink cooler bag hanging at her knees. It takes me until a few feet away to realize she’s no longer angry, but silently crying. She moves to one side of the narrow stoop, allowing me out of the rain, but doesn’t turn to face me, eyes forward on the ground facing the front of the house. We stand there, silently, slightly damp, me still kind of shocked that she turned up and watching her like an idiot, for longer than I should have. Eventually, she wipes at her eyes and turns on me. “You’re not the only one torn up about Sayori disappearing, you d-” Her face contorts, and she sniffs before wiping her eyes again. “I made lunch for both of us and then I thought you weren’t even going to let me-”

She stops as I put my arms around her. “I didn’t… I never would have expected you to actually come out here. I’m sorry. And thank you.”

“Y-you’re welcome…” Her words are muffled into my chest, and she sniffles again. I pat the back of her head, and that’s apparently her cue to pull away a little bit. “I just thought…”  _ Sniff _ . “You might appreciate something nice.”

“I would have stood you up.” It comes out before I can stop it. I curse my mouth, but I manage to keep  _ that _ in my head, at least. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Natsuki. Even if it didn’t happen, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay, MC.” She pushes herself out of my arms, trying to force a fiesty smile that looks more sad than anything. “I would have understood. It’s not…”  _ Sniiiiff _ . “It’s not an easy thing to deal with.”

“Right.” There’s an uncomfortable pause as my brain desperately tries to string words together that meet the criteria of: a) making sense, b) not somehow accidentally hurting Natsuki’s feelings worse than I already have, and c) not being  _ horrifically _ depressing. It’s failing, the ship is sinking,  _ mayday, mayday, man overboard again! The sharks already circling, they only eat the brave! _ But finally, something escapes my mouth- “let me go back around and I’ll let you in. Two seconds.”

It takes a bit longer than two seconds, since my shoes keep getting stuck in the mud, but I hurry back around the house and to the front door to let her in. We walk to the kitchen, where Natsuki begins unpacking the cooler and I try to dry my hair with a dishrag, with little to show for it. Natsuki sets a plastic bento box full of rice, a smaller box with something that looks like raw beef in it, and a juicebox at one end of the table, then repeats the process at the opposite end. I start to get plates, but figure that we would have just eaten from the boxes at school and this isn’t all that different, and end up sitting down as Natsuki closes the cooler and does the same.

The first thing I notice as I open the two containers is that the second, smaller container is, in fact, full of raw beef. I look at it. I look at Natsuki, who has a surprisingly emotionless look on her face. Back at the red, uncooked meat. I poke at it with a chopstick, just to be sure- yeah, no, that’s totally raw. Natsuki giggles, but when I look up, she still has the same glassy-eyed stare, and now I’m not sure if I get the joke or not, so I crack one of my own- “honestly, I always thought if one of you snapped and tried to kill me, it would be Yuri.”

She grins, but quickly tries to hide it (and only halfway succeeds), and instead deflects the joke entirely- “I bought it a couple days ago, I was actually kind of…” Some of the light leaves her eyes, and she looks down at the floor. “I was kind of hoping to do this anyways, just not…”

“Oh my god, were you going to make a pass at me?” Warning klaxons sounding off again at full blast; I knew I would regret that before I said it, but I had to take the shot. I see her face go red immediately, and when she looks back up, the light in her eyes has been replaced by fire.

“As if! It’s just been a couple weeks since we hung out alone and I just thought it would remind you that you’re  _ not _ too good to be friends with me! God, you’re  _ such _ an ass!”

“Then you try it first.”

“Ehhh?!” She’s shocked, like she didn’t expect that. She prods it with her chopsticks the same way I was just doing, but doesn’t make a move to pick a single piece up.

Smiling, I push the meat around until I find the smallest piece and pin it between the tiny metal poles, then drop it in the box of rice and roll it around until it’s relatively covered. Not wanting to show any weakness now, I pick it back up, raise it to my mouth, and drop it in. To my surprise, it’s not totally awful, although it  _ is _ pretty strange. It’s very tender, not at all like the tough, chewy thing I expected, and it has a rich but subtle taste- I guess exactly what one would expect from an uncooked steak. It is a little sticky, but that can probably be chalked up to being  _ raw beef _ .

All in all, not the worst thing I’ve eaten.

“This is… weird.” I pick up a second piece and plop it into the rice box. “It’s not bad, just… weird.” This seems to be the encouragement she needed, and she -still somewhat hesitant- tries the first bite without rice. While decidedly less enthused by it than me, she seems to at least accept her fate, and quickly digs into the rest. We eat in silence, and after rinsing out the four boxes, Natsuki packs everything back up. I walk her to the door, but she doesn’t immediately step outside after I open it.

Instead, she shifts the cooler from one hand to the other, fingers tightening around the strap. “I have study hall next period, so I could stay a little longer…”

“I…” Am kind of scared by this prospect, to be totally honest with myself. Besides Sayori, Natsuki has become one of my closest friends since joining the Literature Club, and between her comment about us not hanging out alone in a while and the planned gesture of making me lunch, I feel  _ my  _ face start to flush. “I-I…” Have lost any chance to even  _ try _ to be smooth with this. “I’d like that… I think.” I close the door back, and suddenly I’m struck by the urge, the  _ need _ , almost, to look her in the eyes as I say what comes next- “I don’t think I’m really capable of talking much, though. A cheesy one-liner is one thing, but the only thing really on my mind is…”

“Oh, no… I was hoping we could read? Even if it’s just something you have lying around…”

A thought emerges from the dark ocean of unhappiness that’s overtaken my mind for the past almost-day. “Sure. C’mon.” I lock the door back and head upstairs, not realizing Natsuki isn’t following until I stop at the top and turn around.

“What, to your room?” She sets the cooler down, but doesn’t make a move towards the stairs.

“Well… yeah? That’s where my manga is… I guess I could bring it down, if you want.” I get why she’s hesitant, but I sure didn’t expect it, not from her. “Besides, I got a couple new books that I was going to give to you anyways. Gotta make you work for the surprise.” I turn and head down the hall, into my room. It takes me a minute to remember where I put the books I just mentioned, and a little longer to dig them out. When I turn around, I jump a little, startled to see Natsuki standing in the doorway, for some reason. She grins as she notices me jump, but looks away, playing it off like she didn’t see. Cute.

Then it’s my turn. I jump onto the bed and move so that my back is to the wall, then nod for her to come sit beside me. The look she gives me is priceless, the only time I’ve ever seen someone convey a slow, horrible threat of death with a single, unchanging expression. This changes when I hold the first book up, however, and my friend squeals before she can help herself, clamping both hands over her mouth in shame. “I didn’t know that was even out yet!”

_ Super Sundae Squad _ . A spinoff of Parfait Girls, the first manga I read with Natsuki. To be honest,  _ I _ hadn’t know it had been released yet either, I just happened to run across it while looking for some other books over the weekend. Having looked over the first few pages without her, I was surprised to find it to be a (slightly) more action-packed, comedic, vaguely  _ shonen _ title, a kind of strange, dessert-based take on  _ Sailor Moon _ or a more girly, food based  _ Sentai _ book.

For her part, Natsuki tries to quell her excitement as she climbs onto the bed beside me, even lingering a good six inches away before finally easing up against me. I put my arm around her shoulders, if only so I can hold the book where we can both read it, and I can feel her face getting hotter. “D-don’t…”

“No, you. This is the only way to sit like this and not block part of a page for one of us. You don’t make it weird and I won’t.” She starts to protest, but the words never make it out. Smiling, she pretends to pout as she looks down, and we soon settle into reading. Even if this isn’t anything other than friendly, I  _ really _ needed something like this after yesterday, and halfway through the first book, I make a note to myself to make sure Natsuki knows that when she leaves.

We finish the first book. As I set it aside and crack open the second, I become aware that Natsuki is resting her head on my shoulder. I don’t say anything, and we make it through the second book and into the third -a completely unrelated series that starts of cutesy and magical-girly before turning into something absolutely  _ horrible _ that Natsuki’s never heard of and I bought to mess with with her- when I notice the time. It’s still a little early, but almost time for her to leave, if she wants to get back in time for last period. I slip a bookmark into the volume and set it on top of the other two. Against my expectations, this doesn’t break the spell, and we sit for another couple minutes in silence. For the first thirty seconds, I’m incredibly anxious, like I need to fill the dead air with a terrible joke, but I force myself to stay calm. The clock keeps ticking -so to speak, since it’s digital- and eventually, I have to say something- “‘suki?”

“I know. I just wanted to enjoy this for a little longer. It’s not going to get any easier, is it?” The question is one I wasn’t expecting, even if it’s something I’ve been wondering myself. She notices, she has to; I don’t know what gave it away, but there’s some kind of tell. “Even if she’s okay, even if we find her…”

And then it clicks. She’s not asking what I thought she was at first. That  _ was _ something I was expecting, maybe not today, but soon, and never not  _ too _ soon. It’s not a question I wanted think about, especially not today, but if I don’t answer… “No.” The same jelly-legs sensation I felt when she offered to stay longer catches me a second time, and I taste the beef sushi again. “How did…?”

Natsuki hesitates, squirms a little, but this turns out to be so she can look at me without being below my eye level. “She told me.”

“Oh.” Then Sayori probably told her I shot her down, too. My mouth is suddenly incredibly dry, and the unhappy thoughts come racing back like ravenous zombies. I can feel a familiar sting in the corners of my eyes. She got through this whole… thing… without pushing me to talk about my feelings, didn’t even make a joke about how bad I must look, and then I did this to myse-

Everything stops, for the second time in twenty-four hours. She has to kneel in a uncomfortable position straddling one of my legs, but Natsuki has wrapped her arms around me, in the opposite of our hug from earlier. “I don’t know where  _ we  _ are, either, but it means the difference between Sayori being okay or not…”

My arms are stiff as I cross them at her back. Despite my best efforts, I find myself crying into her shoulder, but I still manage to finish her sentence with “I can wait,” before my voice cracks.

This goes on for too long; she’s already almost late now, and she  _ will _ be late to her last class, for sure. We head back downstairs, and end up hugging again on the stoop. When she’s not looking, I slip the two  _ Super Sundae Squad _ books into the cooler; I know she’ll notice the weight increase, but I still have to try. I don’t have anything else to say, and it doesn’t seem like Natsuki does either. She stops at the end of the walkway, though, flashes a small smile, and says “text me later, okay?”

“Okay,” and I feel somehow stupid for only saying that, like I should have said “I love you,” or something, and then instantly feel even more stupid for thinking that. I smile back, but can’t help but feel it’s hollow, a mask stretching and straining against the pressure of all the woe creeping back into my brain. I watch her walk away until I can’t see her anymore, then head back inside. As I do, I remember that I never locked the sliding glass door back, and head into the kitchen to do so.

Sitting on the table is something that definitely wasn’t there when the two of us left the kitchen hours ago. A single cupcake, wrapped tightly in plastic wrap. At first, it’s hard to make the details of the icing out, but as I pick it up, I recognize the form of a goofy, grinning, cartoon bat, Natsuki’s take on an  _ incredibly _ minor character from a silly harem manga we read months ago that I was fond of. Between the plastic and being carried around all day in a cooler before coming here, it’s a bit smooshed, but I can make the features out well enough to know that this was made just for me. I lock the door and take the cupcake with me as I head back upstairs. Before peeling back the plastic, I set it on my desk and text Natsuki, asking if she’d like to come over Friday night for dinner, and maybe sleep over, if she’d be interested.

Then I peel back the dessert’s plastic wrapper and it becomes obviously that Natsuki got the last laugh after all- the bat’s nose and mouth are tiny pieces of black licorice.

_ What kind of a monster puts black licorice on a cupcake?! _


	5. 3/9

It’s been a long week since Tuesday.

Today was my first day back at school after finding Sayori missing. Ironically, it was the kind of day she might enjoy- bittersweet. A lot of my friends (and some of hers) found me throughout the day and delivered the same kind of messages I got from them earlier in the week, but in person. On one hand, it certainly did make me feel a little better than so many people care about her (and to a lesser extent, me), but at the same time, their words feel hollow.  _ Don’t tell me that you’re there for me and if there’s anything you can do, let you know, and then not go out and look for her _ .

Being bitter won’t help me, or Sayori. I’m not sure I can stay in a good mood like this, not knowing where she is and if she’s even alive or not, but I can at least try. I should try. I almost feel like I have to, like she won’t come home if I don’t.

I work my way through the day, answering questions with the same repeated, canned responses, two or three words most of the time (the most common being “I’m fine,” or “I’m okay,” which is a half-truth at best). Although no one really presses me on anything after their first question or two, I’m still pretty grateful for the few moments I’m left alone. I even notice Monika going out of her way to sit with me during lunch annoys me, though I (hopefully) manage to hide it. Just something about today, I guess.

The last bell is an incredible relief. No more questions. Nobody else coming to ask how I’m holding up, or if I’ve heard anything. Just… peace, or something close to it, for the next two days.

About a block and a half away from school, I hear someone say my name. It takes me a minute to recognize the voice as Yuri’s, but when I do, I stop and turn. She catches up to me quickly, flashing a small smile as she stops. “I thought one of us should walk you home, MC-kun.”

It’s a surprisingly forward thing for her to do, even now. “Oh, sure.” Having coasted through the day on autopilot, it seems like my mouth is working without the use of my brain. I try to add something meaningful, but most of what comes out is a series of “uhms” and “ers” that finally ends with “thank you,” and then I start walking again, a little slower than before.

We resume the walk towards my neighborhood in silence. It’s a weird kind of parallel to the days when I walk home with Sayori or Natsuki, but today… I’m grateful for it. Yuri seems happy enough just to be walking with me, anyways, so maybe it’s for the better neither of us have much to say. To be honest, I’m not sure I could spit out much of anything coherent right now… brain feels like mush, between the stress and lack of sleep.

Not a single further word passes between us until we reach the gate of my house. Yuri smiles again, then looks away as she says, “good luck with your date with Natsuki.”

“I… uh…” Did… did Yuri just make a joke? Was that a genuine well-wish? “Thanks, Yuri. Thanks again for walking me home, too.”

“O-oh, sure. Monika and I talked about it earlier- she said you seemed upset at lunch. She wanted to come too, but she had something to do after school.” Back to normal, dear-in-the-headlights Yuri. I decide to take her last statement as genuine. After a series of usual pleasantries -more thank yous, have a good weekend, see you Monday- I head through the gate and up the walk to my front door. Yuri doesn’t start to walk away until I turn to close the front door behind me, and I’m oddly thankful for that, too. It’s a little strange, but I know her well enough for it to be endearing… I think. The Club’s shared concern for each other is sweet, in any regard.

 

_ Okay _ , I think to myself. I have a couple hours before Natsuki is supposed to be here. Yuri’s joke-wish plays through my head again, and I find myself increasingly nervous. Maybe that hadn’t been an entirely serious comment, after all. My relationship with Natsuki is in a weird place, sure, but I hadn’t really been considering this a date… I just thought we were going to hang out and read manga, like we usually do. 

On second thought, I guess maybe there is something kind of sweet (vaguely romantic, even?) that I didn’t tell her I was planning on  _ cooking  _ dinner. She always acts annoyed when I do, like I’ve somehow slighted her by not including her in the process or insinuating that I’m the better cook, but it’s just an act and we both know it. It’s the same kind of thing as how she pretends to be weirded out when we read together, but she gets up close to me as often as I do to her.

No sense in panicking, not yet, anyways. Not at all, really… just need to keep reminding myself of that. The house gets a little darker as a rain cloud passes by overhead, and for just part of a second, I consider canceling on her, but…

The moment passes, but it feels like the cloud’s still hanging around. Staring off into space, past the kitchen and the yard beyond, it turns stormy, something worse than rain.

It’s probably better if she stays over tonight. For both of us.

 

I take a deep breath and head into the kitchen, willing away the rain.  _ Don’t dwell on it. That only makes it worse. Think about something happy until it goes away. _ There’s prep work I can do now so I don’t have to work as hard later. Not knowing exactly what time she’ll be here, I don’t want to have everything ready too early, but I’d hate to keep her waiting, too.


	6. 3/9

I start to think this “date” may have been a mistake about an hour before Natsuki arrives.

While chopping a carrot for the stir fry, I manage to cut three of my fingers. While none of them are particularly serious, I’m a little concerned by the second; after the third, I’m worried this might be an omen. This feeling returns when I burn the back of my hand on the wok. Again, it’s not particularly grievous, and after the stir-fry is done, I take care of it without much trouble. Even with these minor setbacks, I’m able to finish everything just in time to let Natsuki in.

She notices the bandaged hand first; she doesn’t say anything, at first, anyways, but I catch her gaze as I hand her a bowl of food. She tries to look away quickly, like she hadn’t been trying to see how badly I hurt myself, but instead her gaze ends up on the trio of bandaids on the opposite hand. “It’s nothing,” I try to say with a smile, but I’m not sure if it’s to convince her or myself. “Just a little… absent-minded today, I guess.”

She smiles back, but where mine feels hollow, hers looks… sad. “Rough day?” As she turns to sit at the table, I notice a large patch medi-taped over the side of her neck, where it meets her shoulder. I feel a little better about not canceling now, even if she’ll never explain it.

“A little.” I sit across from her, a noticeably smaller amount of food in my own bowl. Not feeling so hungry right now. “One long train of the same thing I’ve been hearing for three days, you know? It’s not  _ me _ people should be worried about…”

“Yeah…” She’s waiting for me start before digging into her own food, I guess. It’s kind of cute, the way she glances from me to the bowl, like it might run away. Not so much when I’m not sure if she’s eaten or not today, and with that in mind, I at least start to pick at the bowl in front of me.

“About the other day…” She freezes, several pods of snow peas halfway in her mouth. We lock eyes for a few seconds, and I look away, my face feeling hot in a reversal of the way this usually goes. She closes her mouth around the pods and uses the time it takes to chew them to think.

“Don’t make a big deal of it.” Is all she says before picking more food out of the bowl without looking back up at me.

I smirk at this. “I thought it was really sweet.”

“Nope. Not even a little.”

“Would you… maybe want to go out on a ‘real’ date sometime?” Wait. Wait,  _ fuck _ , that wasn’t supposed to leave my head. That was just a joke. _ ¿̖͔̞́̽̄o̧ͬ̔̊ͭ̚҉͕̺h͙̅ͬͯ̑̓ͤͣ̚͘ ̫̜͖̯͈͉̫͕͒̆ͦ͊͊͆̚͞g̢̮͚͓͙̓̈ͫͅŏ̖̳͕͙͇ͩ̇̎̓̑̓͠͡ͅd͖̭ͤ͌͑̌̓͘͢͞ͅ ̝͓̫̼̭̖̒͊ͯ͘͢d̮̙͚ͯ̇ͫͫ͊̀i̹̠̇̈̄̕͠d̴̹͉͙̻̖̻ͩ͠ͅ ̶̢̩̣̗̹̾̑i̵̜̩͖̦̾̃͒̇̓̚̚͢͞ ̖̝͕͚̮́̕͢͢j̰̫̖̞͚͒̒͒͞͡ụ̖̱͙̘̗̌ͭ́̆š̢̙̩̯̬͉̰̳̳̄̉̅ͭ͠ͅt̴̵̡̝̫̯̯̜͇̳͇͓̑̑͋̀ͭ̓ͮͧ̚ ̧̙̮̭̎ͮ͟͢s͕̘͖͚̣̳͒ͩ͛ͦͪ͢ȃ̖͍̰̪̄͋́͂ͤͥ̈̕y̦͙̮̟̲̫̠̖̳ͩ͒ ̌ͪ͏̴̢̘̮̞̳ͅt̙͎̮̝͖̎̓ͧ͐̔͌ͯh̨̑̈́ͪͫ͑͡͏̪̱̙̝̤͕ḁ͎ͮͨ͢t̵̟̳̝̗͈̤͎̔̀ͅ?̶̰̹͇͎͓͓͗͗ͩ͆͑̽̕ _

Natsuki’s chopsticks hit the bowl, then the table, with a series of tiny metallic clatters. She stares down at the bowl that’s mostly rice now with a horrified look not completely dissimilar to when I burst into the club with Sayori’s note earlier this week. If my own somersaulting stomach is any indication, she might be feeling a little sick. “Y-you… you shouldn’t joke about stuff like that, MC-kun.”

I stab my own chopsticks into my bowl of rice to avoid dropping them like she had, wondering if I have a similar expression. “I’m not- I-I  _ wouldn’t _ .” I try to catch her gaze, but she’s having none of it. “Joke about that, I mean. I meant it.”

I’m not sure how much time passes before I get up from the table. I drop my chopsticks in the sink and find a lid for the bowl I used, as well as a second one for Natsuki if she wants it. Trying to act casual, I toss it onto the table in front of her as I pass, resuming my place across from her. Her expression has softened a little, but the caged-animal-fear-reflex look of it isn’t doing much to ease my own anxiety.

I start to worry that I may have broken her when the pink-haired wonder finally looks up. She still looks terrified, like she could either bolt or burst into tears at any second, but she nods at me, just once. “I-I…” I’ve tripped her up before, but never this bad. Had I just taken her off-guard with a compliment, or a particularly bad joke, it would have been funny for her to have been hushed for so long.

I look away, and when I look back, her eyes are still fixed on me. Okay, back to worrying.

“I’m  _ scared _ . I’m scared,  _ okay!? _ ” She hits the table with the palms of her hands, and the noise makes both of us jump. “I don’t know how to take that. You’re the only person that doesn’t treat me like a kid because I’m smaller than everyone else. I just didn’t… I d-don’t…

“ _ Yes _ .” It’s so quiet, it’s almost a squeak. I’m not completely sure I heard it, or that I heard it right, but I’m too scared that she’ll say something else if I ask her to repeat herself. It’s so quiet I can hear her breathing, and it stays like that for an uncomfortable eternity.

I move first, goaded into it by some unseen force. Unfortunately, my first move is far from graceful- I stand up so quickly that bang one knee, then the other into the table, the second time so hard that the side closest to me lifts up a little. Natsuki jumps a little each time, and then stands up as well. This causes  _ me _ to freeze, because I already didn’t know what I was doing, and now I don’t know what she’s doing, either.

It turns out to be a hug, maybe the most meaningful I’ve ever experienced. Despite the butterflies in my stomach, despite the awfulness of the last few days, I feel… centered, something close to it. I wouldn’t say happy, but… okay, and I’m so desperate to escape the terrible thoughts that have been dogging me the past three days that okay is better than good, it’s  _ perfect _ . I could stand here until my legs gave out, probably.

“Can we pretend this isn’t happening for a little longer?” It’s a strange question, half-spoken into my chest. “I-it’s a big change.”

“Of course.” The words are barely past my lips when Natsuki moves her arms from my ribs to around my neck and pulls me down a little, closer to her level. We stay like this for so long that my neck starts to hurt a little, and I gently wiggle free from her arms.

The rest of the night is a blur. We finish the horror manga from the other day -Natsuki does  _ not _ appreciate me tricking her with it- as well as the first volumes of several other series, all of which are admitted somewhat embarrassing action-y shonen stories (although I don’t let her trash-talk  _ Yu Yu Hakusho _ without a fight). They’re the only things I have left that we haven’t read together, meaning next time we’ll either be reading something she has stored in the Literature Club classroom, or we’ll be going to the library. My parents come home, without much fuss. Dad maybe had a little too much to drink- not fall over drunk, but he flashes me a goofy grin and a thumbs up when he thinks Mom isn’t looking, I’m guessing because of Natsuki being here. Mom just shakes her head as she helps him to the living room couch.

I offer to sleep on the floor. We argue about it, but eventually Natsuki concedes -”ugh, if it’ll shut you up, I guess I will…”- and I turn out the lights.

Like the last few nights, sleep is hard to find. It comes in little clusters and bursts, a few minutes here, an hour or two there. I try to tell myself it’s because I’m on the floor and any time I’m in the same position without moving for too long, my muscles tense and ache, but that’s I know it’s a lie. I had honestly hoped I might sleep a little better with Natsuki here, but I guess not.

Between dozes, my mind wanders, and I don’t try to stop it. It’s been a week since I last saw Sayori. She couldn’t have left over the past weekend, we would have heard much earlier if that had been the case. Was it Monday, after school? Sometime during the day Tuesday? I guess it doesn’t really matter; she’s gone, and I should be focused on finding her.

I look up at Natsuki, what little of her I can make out in the dark, anyways. It occurs to me that I’ve never seen her without the ribbons in her hair, and she’s a little cuter with her hair down. Maybe just because it’s something different.

This is a weird place to be in. We’re starting a relationship, after what feels like months of teasing and leading up, and it might be the worst possible time to.

_ Tomorrow will be better _ .

_ Tomorrow has to be better. _


	7. 3/10

I wake up from a dreamless sleep with a start, a few rays of pale light filtering through the slits in the blinds over my bed. Something from an earlier nightmare tries to claw its way free from the back of my brain, desperately trying to find purpose, to force me to remember its face, but I can’t seem to make out what it was or why it bothered me.

Looking up, I can just barely make out the clock- little after seven. Five hours since the last time I looked… the most I’ve slept at once since Tuesday. Can’t help but wonder if it was because Natsuki was here, after all, like her presence somehow put my mind at ease.

I yawn and stretch before getting up as quietly as I can. Despite the little bit of light trickling in, my room is surprisingly dark for this hour, as is the hallway beyond as I creep into it, careful not to close the door all the way behind me. At the window at the top of the stairs, I peek through the blinds look out into the gloom of the starting day. The clouds are varying shades of gray, patches and streaks of something darker here and there, the threat of rain painted here and there throughout the drab covering. A good day to so nothing, sit around and read, mindlessly binge anime.

Staring out at the gray dawn, the house all but silent around me, it’s an almost serene moment, the first time all week I haven’t felt like I was going to expel some part of my insides from stress. My mind is empty, still a little obscured by the miasma of sleep, and it’s kinda nice, in a weird way. No worries, about what happens to Natsuki when she’s not at school, or Sayo-

That thing, that idea, the remnant of the dream, comes screeching back at me, jarring and intense like a _deep_ black metal cut. It’s _not_ something from a nightmare, no, not really, even if my subconscious may have brought it up in one this week. I’m hit with a memory, a day Sayori and I skipped school years ago. Summer was just starting, it was the last day of school; we wanted to get an early start, so we just didn’t go to the last day of classes. Instead, we got on a bus to the beach a couple hours away, and spent all day exploring up and down the coast. After the bus fare,  we only had enough money between the two of us for a couple bottles of water and a single overpriced sandwich, but it didn’t matter. From early in the morning until late afternoon, we played in the surf, climbed dunes, and eventually found our way to the top of a series of nearby cliffs.

I wonder if Sayori ran off to somewhere like that, someplace special to her. That would make sense, although I’m not sure if logic is a good thing or not right now. A few months ago, not too long after she convinced me to join the Literature Club, actually, she half-heartedly tried to kill herself, and now that I think about it, her just up and disappearing one day feels scarily similar. I’m hesitant to try and make connections, since it seems like I don’t know how she thinks anymore, but if I know something no one else would even consider…

 

I’m pulled from my thoughts by the slight scrape of a door on carpet; it seems incredibly loud without the ambient noise of anyone else up and moving about the house. I turn, maybe a little too quickly -it’s almost a spin, at this speed- to see Natsuki peeping through the half-open door to my bedroom. Hair a mess, the duvet from my bed wrapped around her shoulders, still mostly asleep, she yawns, and I can’t help but smile in spite of the new thoughts coursing through my mind. “Morning, ‘Suki… I wanted to see what the weather was like, but I didn’t want to climb over you to get to the window, since you were still asleep…”

She rubs her eyes, the duvet slipping off her shoulders, but she catches it before it hits the floor and ensconces herself with it again. “Okay. I was a little worried for a second, you weren’t…” She trails off, face flushing. I notice a _very_ small smile that she’s clearly trying to hide. “I mean, it’s weird to wake up in someone’s room and they aren’t there.”

“Uh huh.” I don’t know to lead into this, so I just… drop it. “I… this is kind of crazy, but I had a dream about Sayori. Are… would you be…” She tilts her head a little to one side. I feel my face going red, too, embarrassed by my inability to speak. “There’s somewhere I don’t think anyone’s thought to look for her, and…”

“We’re going. Get dressed, loser.” There’s something fierce in her eyes all of the sudden. I can’t help but admire it. A few months ago, this girl lost her shit on me for dropping one of her precious manga, then broke down crying. Now she’s trying to cheer _me_ up, and taking charge of looking for Sayori. I’m almost stunned that she actually agreed to go on a date with me. “Well, don’t just stand there, we’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t get moving!”

I walk back down the hall and past her, into my room, then gently push her out and close the door, more to tease her than anything. She comes right back in, long enough to throw the duvet on the bed and grab her phone, then heads back into the hall. As I change clothes, I hear her call Yuri, then Monika, telling them to get here as soon as they can. Although I can’t hear everything she says, between her tone and aggressive shutting down what sounds like an excuse on Monika’s end, I’m impressed, doubly so if she managed to convince Monika to cancel her plans.

“Hey.” Through the door. “They’ll be here as soon as they can. Do you want to tell me where we’re going…?” I open the door and Natsuki immediately falls forward, crashing into me and sending us both to the floor. We linger there momentarily before she climbs off of me and helps me up. There’s something very déjà vu about it, but I can’t remember this actually happening before.

“Well, there was one day when we were kids that Sayori and I skipped school to go to the beach…” I move to sit on the edge of the nearby dresser. Natsuki leans in the doorway. “There’s no dramatic, like, ‘I could die happy here,’ or anything, but between us and the police, I figured the whole town’s been looked over at least once by now. Looking somewhere else might…” I feel like I’m grasping at straws, like the words I’m looking for are just out of reach. “I don’t know, Natsuki. It’s probably nothing, but I have to try.”

“ _We_ have to try.”

“Yeah, we. Thank you.”

And that’s enough. We head to the bottom of the stairs, where we sit and wait for the other girls to arrive. Natsuki nods on and off, her head on my shoulder. If we weren’t about to embark on a mission from the heavens themself, I might have let her stay there a little longer.

There’s a knock at the door. A sleepy Yuri yawns as I open it, and steps in without saying anything. There’s something urgent in the air, something that I hadn’t noticed before. None of us can be bothered with small talk, and the silence between us feels like it has a personality of its own, taut and tense, miles past nervous. We all shift uncomfortably, leaning, standing, slouching. I almost want to tell Yuri the plan and explain it a third time when Monika gets here, but I force myself to wait and have at least _a little_ patience.

It’s not too long before our last friend shows up, even though it feels like an eternity. It looks like Monika went to a lot more effort to look like she was up and ready to go, more than the rest of us, her body language shows she’s probably just as tired as Yuri. She stifles a yawn as I open the door, but doesn’t make a move to enter the house. I imagine she can sense the tension from the porch.

“This… doesn’t seem any less crazy the second time.” I try to sound like I’m convinced, like I’m not starting to heavily doubt my own stupid plan; unsure if it works. “It’s just a hunch, but maybe no one’s been able to find Sayori because she’s not here… in town, I mean.” I decide to leave out the part about coming to this conclusion by way of dream-vision… I have a feeling I’ve already convinced the only person who would buy into that. “There’s a place a couple hours from here where we used to go over the summer every year. I don’t know if it’ll lead to anything any more than us looking the other day did, but…”

“We have to try.” Monika echoes Natsuki’s words from earlier, and a giddy excitement builds in my chest. Or something _like_ excitement… more than anything, I think it’s the possibility of relief after half a week of agonizing.

Not that I hadn’t been before, but I’m suddenly struck at how grateful I am to have the three of them as friends. I don’t think I ever would have really met any of them without Sayori… I should tell her that, sometime.

 

We work out the details quickly; as it turns out, there’s a bus to the beat that leaves in about half an hour. It’s a stretch, but if we hurry, we should be able to get there in time. My parents are still sleeping off last night, it seems, so the four of us head out without any interference.

At the bus station, Natsuki comes up a little short for the ticket. I’m in the process of digging through my pockets for a couple coins to make up the difference when Yuri hands the cashier enough to cover the entire thing without a word to either of us. Natsuki and I watch this exchange in surprise, then she takes the ticket and the four of us get on the bus. Still relatively early, in both time of day and time of year to be visiting the coastal town, the bus is fairly sparsely populated, and despite out seats being almost directly in the middle of the bus, we end up surrounded by empty seats by the time it gets moving.

There’s not much conversation early on- Monika jokes that her position on the student council might be in danger after abruptly canceling whatever she was supposed to be helping with this morning; Yuri teases Natsuki for going along with my plan so easily, without even thinking if she had the money for a bus pass. I hear it, but none of it really sticks. Even with Natsuki openly resting her head on my shoulder, my head’s miles away, and as we leave the city, the girls talk amongst themselves, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I try to trace our route around the resort town that day, and any of the other times Sayori and I had gone back there since. No matter what I try to think of though, my thoughts keep coming back to the cliffs. Nothing else stands out like they do. At least once a year, the two of us would spend hours -entire days, sometimes- sitting near the edge, watching the waves come in, sometimes talking, sometimes not. The times blur together, but I can smell the salt and hear the crash of waves out of sight below us reverberating in my ears, and suddenly I’m cold.

_Please let her be okay._

I don’t know if it’s a thought or a prayer. If it’s a prayer, I don’t know who I’m sending it to.

Anyone who will listen.

Anyone who might help.

_Please let her be okay. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure nothing like this ever happens again, that Sayori never feels the way she did again._

**_Please_ ** _just let her be okay._


	8. 3/10

We split up almost as soon as the bus stops, before we’re even off of it. It’s not a hard call to make. I told all three of the girls the way Sayori and I spent that day here years ago, since every trip since then seems to all be the same, from what I can remember. We’ll cover more ground in pairs, Yuri and Monika head one way, Natsuki and I the other. There’s no way of knowing where Sayori might be, if my stupid hunch is even right, or if she’s still-

We look and look and look. Morning passes beneath an increasingly dark and threatening sky. The four of us regroup close to one for lunch at a little cafe Sayori and I have stopped at every time we’ve come here since that first trip, then head back out. Having swept their side of the city before lunch, Yuri and Monika take to the beach, asking if anyone’s seen our friend. Natsuki and I still have a few places to check- the aquarium, an arcade, a museum, but no one there has seen Sayori either. As we leave the funhouse, we’re hit with a light drizzle. It keeps on as we trek across town to our next destination- the cliffs.

A weird feeling comes over me as we hike and climb our way to one of the highest bluffs; nostalgia, but the feeling that I might not ever see this place again. I remember taking this same path with Sayori all those years ago, the sky a fiery red-orange as the sun set somewhere beyond the sea. All four of our parents had come this time, and we had rented a suite at one of the bigger beachfront hotels, letting us stay out after dark instead of the usual dinner-time rule of our solo trips.

Today, though, there is no burning sunset. The heavens are dark and the sea darker, black glass reflecting gray clouds. It’s inspiring, in a morbid sort of way, and I’m tempted to make a note in my phone or take a picture, to use this for a poem for the club later, but I don’t really have an end to the thought- would it be a reflection of what I think Sayori might be feeling right now, or my own feelings? Even with Natsuki beside me, the only thing I feel as we stand at the top of the ridge is… empty. I don’t feel the same way about Sayori as she does about me, but she’s the best friend I have, and my life would suck without her. Without her, I wouldn’t have met Natsuki, or Yuri, or Monika. I wouldn’t have met a lot of people I’m friends with now, through Sayori directly, or through the Literature Club.

My face must have given it away. I think I was able to keep my expression flat and neutral during the climb, when Natsuki was a little behind and couldn’t really see my face fully, but at the peak, looking out at that vicious looking sea… I got lost in my thoughts, and I must have shown it. I’m brought back as Natsuki moves a little closer, intertwining her fingers with mine, and we both stare out at the crashing swells in the distance. There’s nothing to say, nothing that needs to be said.

We failed, again, and it’s not any less crushing this time around.

 

We have to seperate as we make our way back down to the street. The trail is steep and muddy, and it sure seems like its more work getting down that it was climbing up. Both of us fall several times along the way, and by the time we reach the bottom, we’re splattered with muck and stagnant water. Even worse, the clouds decide to unload on us with the full force of their fury, sending us skittering for a nearby bus stop, the only shelter in sight.

It doesn’t end up providing nearly as much cover as I hoped. We huddle in one corner, Natsuki shielded on one side by the plexiglass barrier, on the other by me, and at first, the only part of us that really gets wet is our feet as the rain hammers down against the back of the stop, a little bit of it spraying up through the gap between the plastic partition and the cement of the sidewalk. Then the wind shifts, and downpour seems to be aimed directly at us. There’s not enough time to move before it happens; one minute, we’re a little damp and muddy but not completely ruined, the next, even with my trying to take the brunt of it, both of us are almost completely soaked through. With no point in staying there now, we hustle to the “safety” of a nearby shop’s awning with a tired determination, then trudge to the underside of a building with large concrete columns in front of it, another funhouse by the look of it.

As we huddle behind one of the columns, finally safe from the downpour’s attack, there’s something familiar about this place I can’t put my finger on. I can’t nail down anything specific, but I sort of vaguely remember coming here at least once as a kid. At any rate, we haven’t checked here yet, so I use half of the money I have left to buy tickets for myself and Natsuki. The better move would probably have been just to ask if anyone had seen Sayori or anyone like her around recently, but after coming up short on the last place I could think to look… a distraction while we waited to the rain to die down seemed… attractive. Not like we could do much more than stand around behind the columns until it did otherwise, soaked and miserable.

Passing through the lobby, we find ourselves going down a long, dark tunnel. At the far end, I can just barely make out the faint blue glow of a blacklight, but it never seems to get any closer. Thinking this is some kind of optical illusion, I turn and walk backwards for a few steps, but the white light of the lobby behind us  _ does _ grow farther with each step. I manage to right myself without stumbling over my own feet like a fool, and in short order, we exit the tunnel, into a world of neon and silly mirrors. Murals and cutouts of monsters and demons line the walls, floors, and ceiling, a maze of wood-and-stone miscreations. Tinny, distorted music plays from all around, although in certain parts of the room, it sounds to like it’s coming from strange places, like beneath the floor, or from inside a stone oni with no visible openings.

We take our time navigating the maze, pausing here and there to watch the few other customers trying to find their way around, or waiting for a particularly chokey cloud from a smoke machine to dissipate before proceeding. It’s not exactly cheery, this weird, retro throwback to an age before phones and video games, before TV was widespread, by the looks of some of the painted-on creatures, considering why we’ve found ourselves in the beachside town today, but it  _ does _ at least provide the distraction I was hoping it might, and I’m thankful for that.

Finally rounding the corner into the fourth (and penultimate) new room, I catch a glimpse of someone leaving through an opening on the other side of the chamber, just a flash, a little bit of their back, a blink-and-you-miss-it sight of peach-pink hair. There’s still the maze of this room to navigate before we can reach the exit into the final room, but on seeing that, I stop, squinting into the glowing, blacklit darkness, unsure if I actually saw what I think I did. I don’t say anything to Natsuki -not like she could hear me anyways… there’s a speaker somewhere in this room  _ blasting _ something I would describe as a cat being strangled over three serial killers scraping saws against a pile of human teeth while a fourth takes a metal bat to an abandoned car- but I pick up my pace, intent on following whoever I just saw. The maze in this room proves to be considerably more difficult than the previous three, however, and more than once, we end up at a dead-end and having to backtrack- a wrong turn here, a missed fork there.

When we break into the final room, the change in lighting is immediate and surprisingly dazzling for what it is. Ditching the radiant neon lights and goofy beasts of yore for hundreds of mirrors, all shapes, sizes, and distortions, the only thing lighting the place were a few dim, bare bulbs hanging from wires coming down from the ceiling. It seems an odd choice after the gaudy decor of the rest of the exhibit- trading all that flash for typical funhouse flimflam, tall, small, fat, skinny, big-headed, long-legged. It wasn’t even fun to stop and look at, although that might more be the circumstances than any fault of the mirror-room itself.

We move through at a brisk pace, and find ourselves stepping out into a lobby more or less the same as the entrance, only at the far side of the building. Like the front, a few more curios and curiosities are on display here, on last offering of weirdness- a handful of “Fiji mermaids” in a large aquarium, a supposedly authentic Kumonga model (Natsuki moves  _ very _ close to me as we pass by this), among other silly oddities from a bygone era. But no sign of the mystery person. I wonder if my mind has just been playing tricks on me.

 

The rain has calmed down, diminished back to a drizzle again by the time we reach the door, so we head back outside once again, unsure of where we’re headed next. My phone buzzes a few steps away from the building, and I realize we must have lost signal at some point in the maze, as several texts from Monika come through at once, each with a later timestamp than the last. It seems she and Yuri aren’t having any more luck than we are.

 

“Hey…” It’s the first thing either of us have said in more than an hour, since before we started the hike up to the cliffs. I look up from the text I’m typing. “When we were in there, did you see someone that…” I know what she’s about to say… I  _ don’t _ know if I want to hear it.

Natsuki doesn’t finish her sentence. I wait, and wait, one eyebrow cocked, and then I realize she isn’t staring at me, but looking  _ past _ me, and I turn, only to see Sayori, who has a look like we’ve caught her with her hand in the cookie jar. I imagine I have a similar look on my face, and when I glance back at Natsuki, she  _ definitely _ does.

It’s an absolutely shock, a three-way Mexican standoff. No one speaks, no one moves. All three of us just stand there in bewilderment, slowly being saturated by the mist falling from the sky. Sayori’s expression changes from fear to something I can’t describe (disappointment being the closest thing I can think of) to guilt.

“I’m sorry,” is the only thing she says as I pull her against me and hug her as tight as I can. She’s crying by the time Natsuki moves to put her arms around both of us. Even though it’s only been a few days since she went missing, it feels like Sayori has been gone for years, and I’m afraid if we let go of her, she might just suddenly _ be gone _ again.

So I don’t. The three of us stand there in the rain for a long time, so long that my arms start to prickle with burning pins and needles. I still don’t want to let go, but when Natsuki steps away, I follow suit. There’s an uncomfortable silence (or close-to-silence, the sound of cars passing along nearby, the wind whistling through alleys, and Sayori sniffling) as I pull my phone back out and text Monika to tell her the good news. I feel like I should say something, but my mouth is so dry I don’t know if I could even speak, if my brain could was capable of stringing more than two or three words together.

“Don’t  _ ever _ do that again.” It’s less of a lecture and more of a plea. Coming from Natsuki, it scares me. “We were all so worried about you! The police are looking for you and everything!” There’s no sarcasm, no insults. Although I’ve watched Natsuki open herself up more to the club these past few months, it’s still a surprising change from what I thought to be her “normal.”

Sayori just mumbles “I’m sorry” again with a defeated look on her face. I  _ know _ I should say something now, but I just can’t seem to make my brain work. Even the text I send Monika is difficult to string together, and it reads like something out of a pulp novel (“Found Sayori. Meet at bus station.”). I manage to nudge Natsuki, hoping she understands that I want her to stop but don’t want to make Sayori -or Natsuki herself- feel worse by saying it outright. She seems to take the hint, and stops there. The two of us start walking, heading towards the street, but I stop after a few steps and turn back to find Sayori slowly walking away from us. “… Sayori?” is about all I can manage.

“Just go without me, MC. I’ll catch up…” The defeat in her tone matches her plodding pace. It’s like we beat her at a game she created the rules for, or took first place in a contest she thought she was going to win.

My heart sinks so far down I’m concerned it might lodge itself in my femoral artery and cause me to have a stroke. I can’t help but remember the note, that it was address to me and no one else, not even her parents. It’s not my fault, no matter how much I’ve wanted to blame myself every day since she disappeared, but… rejecting her had to have contributed to this. It couldn’t have done her mental health any favors, that was for sure. I find myself suddenly hesitant to say anything else, not just unable to- if I say anything else, am I just going to make it worse for her because I care? I was the first person Sayori told about her problems, before the rest of the Cub. Does she feel like I think she’s a burden, a responsibility, and not a friend?

“Sayori,  _ stop _ .” I speak without thinking, because I can’t think, and if I take the time to try, this won’t happen. “Me just- just saying this isn’t going to convince you of anything… I know. I know how this works. But we’re not better off without you,  _ I’m _ not. You’re my best friend, and you have been for as long as I can remember. Even… even if it’s not like that, I still love you, and my would suck without you.” That got her to stop, but she’s still facing the other way. I don’t know what to do, something in the back of my head is telling me she could bolt at any minute like a spooked animal. I have to keep trying. “We’re here for you, me, Natsuki, Monika, Yuri, all of us. I probably wouldn’t have met any of them if you hadn’t dragged me along with you to the Literature Club. And they came with me to come look for you here without hesitation. Yuri paid for Natsuki’s bus ticket. We’re- we’re all friends, us and you. We all came here to find you, Sayori, just… please, come home.

I don’t know what I expected. I thought she might run back into my arms, or fall to her knees ugly-crying, apologizing again. Instead, all I get for my speech is a shrug. “I just always drag you guys down. Especially since I told you how unhappy I get… things are always darker when I’m around. I don’t want you to have to worry about me anymore.”

“It’s okay, MC. Really. I’ve got a little bit of money left, once it runs out I’ll just… fade away. Then everyone can be happy.”

“I wouldn’t…” I stop because there don’t seem to be any words left in my head. I’m trying the best I can to stay steady, not to cry or get angry, to raise my voice or hyperventilate. My chest is so tight I’m convinced my heart is back where it should be, and my stomach is doing flips like I’m on a rollercoaster. I open my mouth to try and say something else and nothing comes out. I don’t want to give up, but I don’t know what else I can do. There’s no way to win this, to change her mind, to convince her she’s wrong, to convince her to  _ try _ , at least no way that I can find.

The fight’s left me. I just want to sit down on the wet cement and do… nothing. Urge to cry, urge to scream… both gone, just like that. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen,  _ if _ we found her, when I was refusing to accept “ _ if _ ”, but it wasn’t this.  _ I don’t know what else to do _ .

With this encounter seemingly over, Sayori continues the way she was heading before I stopped her, and goes out of sight around the corner. Natsuki and I stand frozen, watching her disappear again. There’s a choice neither of us are old enough or experienced enough with life to make- keep hounding her, or respect her wishes. It’s not an easy one, and it’s one I don’t want to make, but if any of us have to make it, it should be me. Biting my bottom lip, I follow her around the corner, Natsuki a few steps behind. “Sayori, don’t do this.”

The best friend I’ve ever had stops again, but this time she turns to look at us when she does, and I wish she hadn’t. There’s something far,  _ far _ worse than sadness in her eyes, and as I look into them, at whatever that feeling is, it feels like my heart is trying to tear its way out of my throat, now.

“ _ Why _ ?” One word. One word, and suddenly I’m freezing despite it being a warm spring day. One word, and I don’t  _ know _ why anymore.

“Because… b-because…” I recognize this feeling now, having dealt with it off and on all week. Throat tight, chest tight, cold, hot, light-headed, heavy-headed, weighed-down… it’s a feeling Sayori herself described to me, once-  _ everything hurts _ .

I’m losing this fight.

I’ve lost this fight.

My voice cracks. I close my eyes, one hand over my face and the other against the rough brick wall of the building beside us, to keep me from falling. I’m going to be sick, I think. All this worry, all this anxiety. We all came out here on a notion, a dreamy premonition, and now I can’t even come up with anything to help her, to give her a reason to come back to us. “ _ Fuck _ …” is all I can manage to choke out, and I can barely hear it myself. Natsuki puts a hand on my shoulder, but I shrug it almost and wish I hadn’t at once. The world feels like it’s been tilted sideways and even that slight movement didn’t help. I lean on my arm against the building, and I hear Natsuki say Sayori’s name, but that’s where she ends too- she can’t find the right words, either. Maybe she can’t find  _ any _ words, like me.

This was supposed to be the last stand. We followed her to the end of the world, in a melodramatic, overproportioned way. We followed her even after she said not to, this was the last chance we got, and we blew it.

I gag; it’s a dry heave.

Small miracles.

The world is still sideways, and now it’s shaking, too, and I lower myself to my knees on the damp concrete. It doesn’t matter that I’m kneeling in a puddle, and could have picked a drier spot, could move to a drier spot with just a few steps. Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. “It’s not supposed to be like this…”

“No, but it is anyways. Life isn’t fair, MC.” Sayori crouches in front of me. My hand is still over my eyes, trying to block the light out, but I can tell by how close she is by how close her voice is. “It’s hard, and sometimes you get dealt really bad cards.” Eloquent Sayori isn’t something I’ve seen much of, when she drops the happy-go-lucky-airhead routine and gets serious about something.

It doesn’t make her words hit any softer.

“That’s…” Another wave of nausea. My mouth is making too much saliva, and I struggle to swallow it. “That’s not a reason to give up. There’s medicine, th-there’s- there’s alternative therapy. I’ll go with you, we’ll do group sessions, don’t-” I freeze as she pulls my hand away from my eyes. I’ve only seen that sad smile a few times -knowingly- and I  _ hate _ it. “I don’t- I don’t want you to give up. You let us all in, let us keep trying to help. You’re not alone, you’re not… hate me.”

“What?” Her expression changes, still sad, but confused, too.

_ I’m _ confused, but I decide to roll with it. “I’m not going to let you give up. I’ll keep bugging you about this until you find something that works, even if- even if you end up hating me for it.” I close my eyes again, just a few seconds, trying not to throw up. “If you want to give up without a fight, that’s fine… I’ll… I’ll fight for you.”

“I… I couldn’t… you mean so much to me, MC-kun.” It’s the first time she’s said my name with an honorific throughout this entire confrontation. “I could never hate you…”

“Then come home.” I feel like a broken record. “I care about you. Natsuki and Monika and Yuri care about you. A lot of people care about you.” I want reach out, to comfort her in some way, but I’m afraid if I even try she might run, like a startled kitten. “Please?”

That’s the breaking point. Sayori falls into my arms, quietly sobbing into my shoulder. I hesitate a little at first, but quickly put my arms around her and don’t let go. “It’s gonna be okay, Sayori. We’ll get through this together. All of us.”

We leave the alley, soaked, Natsuki and I speckled with dried mud. It’s a trek back to the bus station, and a somewhat grim reunion when we meet up with Monika and Yuri. I chalk it up to emotional exhaustion and lack of experience with this sort of thing. And once the other girls have expressed how happy they are that Sayori’s okay, I don’t think we need to say much of anything, anyways. I use the last of my money to cover my ticket and part of Sayori’s; Monika picks up an extra for Natsuki. I feel a little torn, having to pick between the two of them, but I hope Natsuki understands. It’s not like it was meant to be a slight at her… just seemed like one of us stepping up for Sayori without hesitation was the right thing to do.

 

It’s a long ride home, too. My phone is constant buzzing as the news that we found Sayori spreads across our network of friends. I do my best to keep up with it, but eventually I set my ringer to silent and give up. Sayori falls asleep on my shoulder, and I cover her with my still slightly-damp jacket. Things will get better. We’re here for her, no matter what.

[ After all, it can’t rain all the time... ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfZzkhfz89c)


End file.
